


Paralysis

by AslansTears



Category: Banana Fish (Anime & Manga)
Genre: Banana Fish Angst Week 2019, Gen, Mental Health Issues, Nightmares
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-01-13
Updated: 2019-01-13
Packaged: 2019-10-09 17:42:39
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,253
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/17411366
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/AslansTears/pseuds/AslansTears
Summary: An OS about Ash Lynx just before he met Eiji. About a caged Lynx' feelings. I dedicate this to Banana Fish Angst week.





	Paralysis

**Author's Note:**

> This is my first angst FF about Banana Fish, If you feel uncomfortable with angsty feels around BF, I won't force to read it. Anyway, have fun with this little story about Ashs, maybe insane, mind. (I... I love him ;;)
> 
> Feel free to give critique on this. I would appreciate it. ♥

It‘s this time again. He sits there, on his bed, staring at the bleak ceiling. His room is nothing more than a flophouse in the basement, with just a wooden bed, a table and a chair.

It‘s in the middle of the night, and he just couldn‘t sleep again. He‘s… feared of dreaming again.

Trembling, he gets up again, take a few wobbly footsteps into the neighbor room. Another person is sitting there. In a wheelchair, without reacting, when he comes in. His whole body is like a puppet.

The guy called Ash Lynx, a skilled gangleader in New York, feared by so many people, permanently on the run by law. The guy who could kill every enemy in seconds. The guy with an incredible intellect and strategic skills.  
It‘s him.

It‘s also this guy sitting next to the one in the wheelchair, sad, tired, despairing… weakly crying.

„Do you… notice me, Griff?“ Ash whispers. No answer again. „I know you are… You always were the one who saw me cry, right?“  
As the gang leader here, he shows such charisma, everyone in his gang has huge respect for him, also fear. No one ever saw him like this. Every time, a gang member showed up, Ash put on a mask and let off his feelings. The only thing the others see is this wild, ‚coldhearted‘ Lynx who was raised by the mafia.

The guy sitting next to Ash was his brother Griffin. Since a horrible incident back when he was deployed in Vietnam war, he‘s stuck in some thing like a vegetative state. The only words he babbles sometimes is ‚Banana Fish‘.

_Banana Fish._

What ever does this mean? Why is he so mentally disabled since then? His brother is the only person who Ash shows his real feelings without knowing if he notices it besides him. The only one who really cared about him as a child. Ash isn‘t even mad at him for leaving him the armed forces. And one of the main reasons why he‘s doing criminal things is to get money for a possible medication.  
But it seems all so hopeless. 

Hopeless. Every day. Every night. Ash Lynx feels always like a wounded predator caged by his own feelings.

His body moved on every day, just to function, just to fight. To fight for his freedom. To fight to get away from all those horrible things what people done to him. To fight against the mafia and corruption. 

_‚I‘m so… alone...‘_

Ash just lost the fight in his inner universe. Again.

Some of his gang members unsuspectingly guarded behind the door. But no one can guard him from the vessels of his own. Ash begins to cry while his heart hurts so much.

_‚Griffin.. please wake up…‘_

It‘s 4 am, when Ash finally got asleep, leaning on the wheelchair.

CRACK. BOOM.

Very noisy sounds came up what let Ash just startled. He opens his eyes, but can‘t barely see much. A very rare feeling of fear just comes across his chest.  
Something is wrong.

_Really wrong._

He can‘t move his body. He feels frozen. Totally frozen. He can‘t even scream or look besides him to Griffin. It‘s a cruel feeling! What is this?  
Ash can‘t even say a single word or scream. He just sits there, awakened, but… not really. His body feels so petrified! A few seconds later, horrible scenes from his past comes up into his mind! 

When he was a child… bounded on bed, naked, helpless and at the mercy of the situation… old cruel men who stand before him. Touched him like he were a puppet without feelings. Like an object of desire…  
Back then, he couldn‘t scream! He was abused and tortured by all the rapists and no one was there to help him… It hurt so much that words can‘t describe it…. The boy really wished he could just die. Unbearable. So cruel. So much wounds and pain he had since then.  
The wounds in his soul were the worst you could imagine. And those mental wounds, those pain haunts him so often in his dreams..

Is this another of his nightmares? 

It‘s so dark here. He can‘t move, scream, cry, turn his head, or take his gun. 

_Help me! Anyone… Griffin… Mother… Help me!!_

His mind shouted, but nothing get out.  
Endless fear sprawls out. 

A shadow flickers. Cold ice runs through Ashs back. More fear. What… happens here?! Apparently someone comes in! Ash can see how a shadow crawling around, and it has surely nothing good in case.  
_What… what are you?! Are you one of these f***ers out there? How do you get in here?! … F*** I can’t move!!!_  
I’m… helpless!!

Ash has so much angsty and aggressively despair that he feels to explode on this. Will he die now?

The shadow comes near. Is it even human? He can just identify a monstrous silhouette. Ashs heart beats faster and he slowly begins to panick for real. Is this real? Is this a nightmare??

“AAAAAAH”

A screaming voice, so near besides him, but also so far away. What, who made this sound what scares Ash even more? 

_Someone please help me NOW! What’s happening?? I can’t die like this now!!_

The boy wants to scream so badly that he’s going crazy. In his eyes’ corner, he saw a shadowy creature, like a ghost.  
Not anybody… It’s Griffin, who just move, but it seems more like the soul escaped his body…!

_I… Am I going crazy?! What? WHAT?_

Ash just want this cruel moments to end. He can’t stand this terrifying dream anymore! He still can’t move!  
His brother screams, so loud that it reverberates in Ashs mind and hurt him even more. It’s so cruel. So freaking cruel.. He want’s to scream and he CAN’T.

His brother holds his head, screams while staring panickly at the shadows silhouette. 

Then – a flashlight. And a very, very cold feeling comes across Ashs body, but regardless he get sweats..

Apparently, he can move, it’s like someone has slapped him, he falls on the ground and hold his whole body trembling up. The shadow disappeared and besides him, there’s Griffin in his wheelchair, but totally in the same position like every time.  
It’s even a bit more brighter in the room than a few moments ago.

_Banana… Fish…_

Ashs heart flickers anyway. He could swear, his brother just said these words again. Ash trembles, looks back and for a second he noticed a tear coming up in Griffins eyes. 

"Is this what… you see everytime? Is… this shadow this ominous ‘Banana Fish?’"

Ash, still in panick and mental pain, slowly gets up. This was the cruelst nightmare he ever had. He can’t calm down. And he couldn’t for hours. His heart hurts that he wants to through it away. Being a real object without feelings would make things so much easier!

While swallowing tears, he look away to his brother, sitting there, presumably caged in this nightmare for years now and it makes hurt his heart even more. It’s totally like in this short story from J.D. Salinger.  
When you came across a banana fish, you want to die.  
The night ended, the morning begins, and Ash realizes.

He realizes that this world is a cruel place, that he doesn’t even know what it means to be ‘free’, or what happiness feels like.  
_I feel like … I finally saw the banana fish by myself…  
so… I don’t want to live anymore…_


End file.
